Whatever happens, happens.

Simply because I cannot do anything to change whatever happens with the cast list comes out today, this is what I'm telling myself the entire day today.

Whatever happens, happens.

Yes, I want this so bad. But nothing can change anything at this point if I got something or not.

As you get older...

Like many people, I as a kid always thought that when you grew up everything would be clear, everything would make sense, everything would be laid out and all that's left is a nice, clean, path to walk down until you go home peacefully to God. After all, that's what I saw from all the adults around me. My parents, my relatives. Every time I saw them I remembered that they were always happy and they always seemed... carefree, fun-loving, relaxed. Not a worry in the world.

Obviously I was wrong. Completely, absolutely, totally, wrong. As I am growing up now I'm finding that the more you know, the more you want to know, and the more that worries you. Those simple days worrying if your mom will find out that you broke an expensive toy or didn't finish your dinner, on worrying about if you will miss your favourite TV show or what channels are the best... or worrying about how you'll live without Disney channel are all long gone. Those careless worries, now in perspective, seem minuscule, innocent, playful.

Those worries have been replaced by things much more harder to think about and so much more important. What University do I want to attend? What courses, what programs, what degrees do I want to get? What will get me a job? What will allow me to earn a living and possibly support a family? Am I doing well enough in school or do I need to work harder to get to where I need to go? All these questions are continually swimming around in my mind nowadays. ESPECIALLY what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. My job. To be completely honest, I am completely clueless. But I am expected by everyone around me that I should know. But I don't.

Recently, thoughts of the recent callback I received for my school production of Godspell is also continually breaking me down. Like legit, causing me to cry. Perhaps it's because it means so much to me. Perhaps it's because it's my last year at VC and the main reason that pushed me to attend VC was because of the beautiful drama program I heard about and the theatre. Perhaps I've tried to hard - practicing for two weeks for my first audition , downloading the Broadway album and trying to know all the songs by heart.

Perhaps maybe all these tears are caused by yesterday's events. Because I felt useless, and confused, and hopeless.

Being called back was just completely awesome. I was mentally focused and kept pushing myself to learn the dance routine taught to me. Others thought it was simple. Me, not so much. Being put in a group of my fellow peers, who are all incredibly talented people, being in many musicals, increased the pressure for me, who was merely a beginner. I didn't know musical theatre terminology, I didn't know how anything worked. And I didn't have many people to talk to either. But one thing changed from my Grease callback two years ago to yesterday's Godspell callback. FOCUS. I was yelling at myself. FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS. I thought of being in Godspell as the main motivation for me to keep pushing and to keep trying to do it even though I felt I was struggling and failing to keep time. But I needed to push.

But then I was asked to stay to sing for a role. I almost fainted inside, I was spinning with happiness and thrilled beyond bits. This is it, I told myself. This is my chance. Being called back to sing for a role is an absolute dream come true. I felt so wanted, I felt so happy, I felt so accomplished. But while the rest of the called back auditionees were sitting down, relaxing, talking to each other, laughing, I was shaking. I was nervous and scared I would mess it up. I took up my iPod and ran through all the guy's songs, guessing which one I would have to sing, hearing all of them again and again, just like the night before, making sure I was ready for whatever was coming. I told myself I wouldn't get something like this for a long time, or ever again, for that matter. I had to be ready.

Little did I know that I would never get the chance.

I was called in at the very end, after the other guys have already sang one, or two, or three, or four songs. The girls were practicing with their sheet music.

Walking down the theatre steps for probably the third or fourth time this week with the director, producer, and other staff there, I was shaking. Obviously, I knew I wasn't alone as four other auditionees were still there. Four good auditionees. And I walked in with another grade eleven whom I've met. The last ones.

I was asked to sing just one song. Coincidence or not, it was Beautiful City, the song I auditioned with. After the six, seven, eight bars or so of Beautiful City, I sat down. The pianist asked the director if she wanted anyone to stay. The director asked one person to stay for some more songs. It wasn't me. Which I didn't expect to be asked to stay anyways, but my heart did a little drop.

Afterwards, I don't know what hurt more. Maybe it was the fact that I shouldn't have spent so much time preparing for the songs. Maybe it was the fact that I was called back to sing the same song I sang five days ago. Maybe it was the fact that I never got to sing any new song, or any of the Godspell songs I practiced. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn't even considered for a role, and I shouldn't have been called back in the first place. Maybe it's the fact that I knew it was a mistake.

Being called back was a mistake. I don't know what they saw. Whatever they did see, they didn't want to see it again, or they DIDN'T see it again yesterday.

The cast list gets posted tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I want to see what it contains. Maybe because I know what it probably won't contain - my name. I know that they say "it's not over 'til it's over", but I know I don't want to go back and rub more salt in my wound. Maybe this wouldn't have hurt as much if I just got rejected right at the first step. Maybe this wouldn't have hurt as much if it didn't mean so much to me. I could easily say that being in Godspell didn't mean anything to me, but that's a lie. Because it does mean so much to me. Or else I wouldn't have poured so much effort into it.

But I'm not complaining. I know I can't complain to have made it this far. Simply, I acknowledge that often in life you can't get what you want no matter how hard you try. And musical theatre is about talent. It's about fitting the roles. Which I unfortunately didn't.

I found that life is often cruel like that. And not knowing what I even want to do or where I'm headed discourages me even more as I see so many other people apply for what they want, know what they're doing, go off and do it. They live life with such an ease it seems.

It's not something you hear every day, but wouldn't it have been nice to be five years old again. Being delighted at simple things like the sun coming in through the window, watching TV for four or five hours because all your favourite shows were on, or running around until you're dead tired and go in and just sleep. Not to have a care in the world. Not to worry about auditions. About applications. About being rejected.

Wouldn't that have been nice.

The Godspell Audition

The moment has finally arrived- the last musical audition of my high school life. And of course, simply that realization added so much more pressure to how I was feeling and thinking. This is my last chance to do musical theatre before I graduate from VC. So in I went, like so many times before. Well, actually, just once before.

The auditions were backed up for almost half an hour, like I expected - my audition time of 5:25PM was actually backed up all the way to 6:00PM before I got to enter the theatre. But when the person before me was called, a shiver ran through me and my heartbeat accelerated to probably four or five times faster, and every part of me started to shake like crazy. Perhaps the daunting reality of performing "Beautiful City" in a couple minutes was what caused me to be the most nervous. 

Eventually I was called in, with the three teachers (the director, producer and choreographer) seated in the super cool table that was setup in the middle of the theatre seats. The pianist is seated on the stage with the piano and a Godspell sheet music book. Nothing much seemed different than my Grease audition two years back - except obviously, the presence of the piano and the fact that this was the last chance I had to do musical theatre during my time at VC.

I gave my sheets to the pianist, and we worked out some speed and technical things. I know that the pianist will not transpose the song for me. I practiced the song off the Broadway Revival recording, which was a key lower than the music on the sheets. I had found this out only a couple days before the audition, and simply had no choice but to go along with that. A key makes so much difference - from being able to nail the highest note or come off looking foolish and unpracticed. Or unfamiliar with direction. But before I knew it, I was standing on the "X", shaking like crazy, facing the three teachers who would decide if they wanted me or not. I give a nod to the pianist. The music starts.

I count sixteen beats. Then another beat - and soon my voice fills the small, and mostly empty, theatre. The pianist plays the song perfectly, the most perfect I've ever heard it play for me. I sing - and slowly the notes start to climb and I can feel that inevitable note "a ray of hope... one pale thin ray...." coming closer and closer...

And I nail it. I actually nail it. I think. I'm not sure how it happened, but it seemed like such a fast blur to me. Perhaps I started too low and did not fit the key of the piano - which is why I was able to reach it - or maybe I simply mustered up every little ounce of energy in me and let it rip out in that single, high, undefeated note. My voice felt like it was wavering during that note - but it felt good. It felt like accomplishment. It felt like redemption from the audition I gave for Grease two years ago.

I miss the cue into the chorus. Or, perhaps I got it right but hesitated. I eventually get back into the beat and finish the chorus. The teachers are silent. The pianist is silent. And I am asked to give my monologue immediately after.

The monologue I was not worried about. And truly, after the performance of my monologue, I really didn't need to worry. I memorized the monologue and gave it without forgetting any lines. After giving my monologue, the teachers said "good job", and I was allowed to leave: my throat aching and throbbing as I walked out. But satisfied and quite a bit worried, I expressed a "thank you" before leaving.

I am simply quite thankful for the fact that my voice did not give out during the audition. I simply overworked my voice today and when it came time to audition it throbbed and complained. It was definitely not easy - but I'm glad I gave it a shot.

I do not know what the decision is, nor do I know where I stand. I do not know if I did a good job, or if I had failed utterly. A simple "good job" could have been said to anyone - quite frankly, it means nothing. As callbacks begin to be posted this weekend, I simply have to play my favourite game - Wait.  But I am simply so worried and so thankful and so happy and so anxious all at once. I want this so bad.

By now there can really only be three ways to go: I either get a Dance, Music and Cold Read Callback, which puts me in a good position for a role. Or I get a Dance callback, which pretty much slates me into Ensemble or nothing at all, MAYBE pushing my chances of getting a role if I'm good enough. Or I do not get a callback, which ultimately means: end of the line. I do not like to think of the last option, but it is a possibility and a very big possibility, simply because I do not know how well I did in my audition today. Sure, I felt relatively good, but relatively good simply may not be good enough. And with five roles on the line, frankly, there just might not be space for me.

Journey to the Godspell Auditions (1 Day Left!)

I can't believe that tomorrow I'll be embarking on VC's Godspell Auditions. It's so incredible and nerve wracking at the same time. Today I asked another one of my friends to play my audition song, "Beautiful City", on the piano and it was depressingly high. Turns out the Broadway Revival version of the song I've been listening to all this time is actually not the version of the song on the music sheets I was given. And that is the most disheartening thing to hear a day before your audition.

I'll be able to sing the song in falsetto, but the desire to be able to sing it in my normal voice is just so much. Sadly, it can't be done and I'm certainly not in a position to be looking foolish in such an important audition.

So, I'm sleeping earlier tonight, getting some good rest, and prepping my voice tomorrow to give an audition that's unforgettable. Whether I'll be able to pull it off... only time can tell. 

Journey to the Godspell Auditions (3 Days Left)

In three days the most important audition of my high school life is taking place - my audition for our school's musical Godspell happens this Wednesday and to say the least I'm just incredibly nervous. Maybe it's also because I've been putting quite a bit of pressure on myself. This is my fifth (and last) year at VC and I've watched three musicals and one 'play' go by since I came, and only auditioned twice for these four productions. Maybe it's the chance of failing that's hindered me from auditioning again. Or maybe I was just lazy. Whatever it is, you can tell regret is pulsing through me and I sincerely wished I could have tried out for the incredible musicals I've had the pleasure of watching, West Side Story and Guys and Dolls. Although I may not have gotten roles in those I sure wish I at least tried.

It's too late for regret now - Godspell is my last chance to be part of a production at VC - and my last chance to perform on that beautiful stage. The stage that I sometimes pass by, or stop by, during my day just to look at the empty seats, to stand on the stage and stare out into the theatre. It's so incredible to hear my own voice ring around the empty room and to imagine what it would be like to have an audience there.

I've been preparing like crazy - yet maybe still not as much as I'd like, but still I've been preparing a lot. I've sung "Beautiful City" until my voice gets hoarse and until I know the song inside out. I've done my monologue silently to myself in class, loudly in class, to my friends, even in the shower. I've watched a ton of videos taken from the Broadway Revival of Godspell. Taking in the energy, taking in the enthusiasm, and ultimately filling myself up with excitement for my audition for this chance to be in this incredible musical. Yes, I've been looking forward to this audition but I'm also incredibly nervous and scared. I'm thinking Godspell every moment of my day, thinking what I can do to make the audition better, more interesting, more comfortable. Thinking what I can do to stand out.

They say three time's the charm right? Three days left when I post this blog post. And this'll be the third time I've auditioned for a production at VC.

In three day's time it'll be decided. If I get a callback, I can continue to dream. But if I do not get a callback, it's pretty much time to say goodbye to musical theatre at VC, although I've never experienced it as that person on the stage. Because no callback pretty much means no role. But let's not think about that.

Journey to the Godspell Auditions (9 Days Left)

This will now be the third time I've auditioned for a play/musical at Vancouver College. For the past five years, I've been auditioning on and off for different things every year and for some reason I just have the weirdest patterns.

The auditions began in grade 8 for We Are His Message. Up to this day I'm still not sure whether this was a talent show, a play, or a musical. But nevertheless, I didn't get accepted, which was a little disappointing for me, but I moved on: It was probably really good though, whatever it was.

Grade 9 came along and they started doing West Side Story. One reason or another I put it off so late that I eventually did not audition. I later saw the musical (two times, in fact) and they did a tremendous job. Then I find myself hating myself for not auditioning because it was such a beautifully, wonderfully done musical.

Grade 10 comes along and I auditioned for Grease, which ultimately I was called back and then did not make the second audition. I did not watch the show (was simply too busy) but ultimately it didn't seem like a musical I could've fit in with a role anyways. But at least I can say I gave it a try.

Grade 11 comes, and another famous musical is going to be VC-transformed: Guys and Dolls. Because of my bad experience the previous year I again chickened out of the auditions, but watched the show twice. And what do you know, it was an amazing show. I remember crying one of the nights after the show because of the thought that I could've done that. I could've been in this amazing musical. But I chickened out and let the nerves get the best of me that I didn't even try.

Grade 12 is finally here and I decided to come to terms with what I want to accomplish before I graduate. I'm already doing Edmundians and Yearbook, my two biggest dreams since grade 8. And I just came off of leading Encounter 64. And now here's the opportunity - another musical being put on this year, Godspell. I told myself "no more chickening out. You have to come to a conclusion." I decided then, in front of the sign up sheet, that I would not graduate without having performed on that beautiful stage. The theatre that pulled me to come to VC in the first place. And if I don't perform on that stage, that I would at least have given it a try. And believe me, I put off signing up till the last minute, until there were no more spots, until I had to beg the director to give me a slot because I basically was putting it off again - what I said I wouldn't do from the very start.

Now I have the date. I have the time. I have the opportunity. This weekend I've been practicing my monologue constantly and belting out my audition song ("Beautiful City" from Godspell). I've been reading audition tips from websites and I've been reading and preparing. I've been calling my friends in advance to help me with some music practice this week. Yes, I still have a week but I need to make sure I am the most prepared I can be.

I won't let this chance slip away from me. Not any longer. I want this too bad.