As you get older...

Like many people, I as a kid always thought that when you grew up everything would be clear, everything would make sense, everything would be laid out and all that's left is a nice, clean, path to walk down until you go home peacefully to God. After all, that's what I saw from all the adults around me. My parents, my relatives. Every time I saw them I remembered that they were always happy and they always seemed... carefree, fun-loving, relaxed. Not a worry in the world.

Obviously I was wrong. Completely, absolutely, totally, wrong. As I am growing up now I'm finding that the more you know, the more you want to know, and the more that worries you. Those simple days worrying if your mom will find out that you broke an expensive toy or didn't finish your dinner, on worrying about if you will miss your favourite TV show or what channels are the best... or worrying about how you'll live without Disney channel are all long gone. Those careless worries, now in perspective, seem minuscule, innocent, playful.

Those worries have been replaced by things much more harder to think about and so much more important. What University do I want to attend? What courses, what programs, what degrees do I want to get? What will get me a job? What will allow me to earn a living and possibly support a family? Am I doing well enough in school or do I need to work harder to get to where I need to go? All these questions are continually swimming around in my mind nowadays. ESPECIALLY what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. My job. To be completely honest, I am completely clueless. But I am expected by everyone around me that I should know. But I don't.

Recently, thoughts of the recent callback I received for my school production of Godspell is also continually breaking me down. Like legit, causing me to cry. Perhaps it's because it means so much to me. Perhaps it's because it's my last year at VC and the main reason that pushed me to attend VC was because of the beautiful drama program I heard about and the theatre. Perhaps I've tried to hard - practicing for two weeks for my first audition , downloading the Broadway album and trying to know all the songs by heart.

Perhaps maybe all these tears are caused by yesterday's events. Because I felt useless, and confused, and hopeless.

Being called back was just completely awesome. I was mentally focused and kept pushing myself to learn the dance routine taught to me. Others thought it was simple. Me, not so much. Being put in a group of my fellow peers, who are all incredibly talented people, being in many musicals, increased the pressure for me, who was merely a beginner. I didn't know musical theatre terminology, I didn't know how anything worked. And I didn't have many people to talk to either. But one thing changed from my Grease callback two years ago to yesterday's Godspell callback. FOCUS. I was yelling at myself. FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS. I thought of being in Godspell as the main motivation for me to keep pushing and to keep trying to do it even though I felt I was struggling and failing to keep time. But I needed to push.

But then I was asked to stay to sing for a role. I almost fainted inside, I was spinning with happiness and thrilled beyond bits. This is it, I told myself. This is my chance. Being called back to sing for a role is an absolute dream come true. I felt so wanted, I felt so happy, I felt so accomplished. But while the rest of the called back auditionees were sitting down, relaxing, talking to each other, laughing, I was shaking. I was nervous and scared I would mess it up. I took up my iPod and ran through all the guy's songs, guessing which one I would have to sing, hearing all of them again and again, just like the night before, making sure I was ready for whatever was coming. I told myself I wouldn't get something like this for a long time, or ever again, for that matter. I had to be ready.

Little did I know that I would never get the chance.

I was called in at the very end, after the other guys have already sang one, or two, or three, or four songs. The girls were practicing with their sheet music.

Walking down the theatre steps for probably the third or fourth time this week with the director, producer, and other staff there, I was shaking. Obviously, I knew I wasn't alone as four other auditionees were still there. Four good auditionees. And I walked in with another grade eleven whom I've met. The last ones.

I was asked to sing just one song. Coincidence or not, it was Beautiful City, the song I auditioned with. After the six, seven, eight bars or so of Beautiful City, I sat down. The pianist asked the director if she wanted anyone to stay. The director asked one person to stay for some more songs. It wasn't me. Which I didn't expect to be asked to stay anyways, but my heart did a little drop.

Afterwards, I don't know what hurt more. Maybe it was the fact that I shouldn't have spent so much time preparing for the songs. Maybe it was the fact that I was called back to sing the same song I sang five days ago. Maybe it was the fact that I never got to sing any new song, or any of the Godspell songs I practiced. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn't even considered for a role, and I shouldn't have been called back in the first place. Maybe it's the fact that I knew it was a mistake.

Being called back was a mistake. I don't know what they saw. Whatever they did see, they didn't want to see it again, or they DIDN'T see it again yesterday.

The cast list gets posted tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I want to see what it contains. Maybe because I know what it probably won't contain - my name. I know that they say "it's not over 'til it's over", but I know I don't want to go back and rub more salt in my wound. Maybe this wouldn't have hurt as much if I just got rejected right at the first step. Maybe this wouldn't have hurt as much if it didn't mean so much to me. I could easily say that being in Godspell didn't mean anything to me, but that's a lie. Because it does mean so much to me. Or else I wouldn't have poured so much effort into it.

But I'm not complaining. I know I can't complain to have made it this far. Simply, I acknowledge that often in life you can't get what you want no matter how hard you try. And musical theatre is about talent. It's about fitting the roles. Which I unfortunately didn't.

I found that life is often cruel like that. And not knowing what I even want to do or where I'm headed discourages me even more as I see so many other people apply for what they want, know what they're doing, go off and do it. They live life with such an ease it seems.

It's not something you hear every day, but wouldn't it have been nice to be five years old again. Being delighted at simple things like the sun coming in through the window, watching TV for four or five hours because all your favourite shows were on, or running around until you're dead tired and go in and just sleep. Not to have a care in the world. Not to worry about auditions. About applications. About being rejected.

Wouldn't that have been nice.